my wise grandma told me once that i have a lot to say but can really easily miss out on a main point. i will try to focus on it here.
a couple nights ago, after binge watching the entire season 2 of emily in paris with my mama, her and i got into a scuffle about post-graduate life. in the closing scene of the last episode, emily gave a monologue about her 1 year stay in paris.
she had her life all planned out in chicago… work hard on this job to get promoted in the corporate ladder and earn higher wages. however, in coming to paris, her life spun out of its predestined path. she made love, friends, and a name for herself in the industry she’s most passionate in. it wasn’t anything she had imagined but it was the best thing that happened to her.
emily’s dilemma got me thinking hard. wasn’t what i had in mind for the next 10 years exactly like her corporate lifestyle? i would graduate in 4 years, get a high paying internship to build up a safety net, dive deep into the startup scene and build a company from the ground up.
then… receive the phone call to come home to the family business. this was the future prospect that i most feared growing up. but emily’s final scene suddenly knocked me out of my paralysis state. i am unconsciously succumbing to this path. every single second, my biggest fear is nudging one bit closer to reality. what a testament to murphy’s law.
feeling completely lost about my direction, i blurted out my questions for my mama. did you know what you were gonna do out of college? how did you get where you are today? turns out, my mama’s dream was to work in high fashion. she graduated from tufts with a double major in economics and art history. yes, very useless i know. and she immediately moved to new york without having found a job and landed a entry-level position at calvin klein. but not for the cheap casual underwear brand… she really worked in high fashion.
in the span of a few years, she worked her way up and even considered founding a shoe design startup. but wherever that idea landed, i wouldn’t know, at least not until i ask her about this small story that my grandma brought up tonight. a couple years into high fashion, my mama realized she wanted to learn all about interior design. and so she did exactly that. for two years, until she turned 26? she went to Parsons to get another working degree in interior design.
it was around that time that her mother decided to bring the daughter home. soon after the interior design degree, my mom wanted to go one step up and get a masters in lighting design. but she never got the chance to do that. in my grandma’s own words, she devised a scheme to break my mama up with a toxic boyfriend with hella red flags. in my family‘s standards, a man who doesn’t know how to respect women properly is immediately crossed off the list.
worse, the boyfriend even got my mama to start wearing black leather jackets and riding motorcycles. it was just too much for my grandmama to handle. and so the daughter was sent home on a quest to help supervise the construction and design the interiors of the family’s new house.
the project was finished. but the boyfriend had already moved on to corrupt his next target, and so there was no longer an immediately reason to go back to the states. granted, my mama’s relationship with her own mother was much worse than our generations. and so after the project ended she looked for every opportunity to get out of taiwan.
after two months, in which she met and briefly dated my dad, she flew off to Hong Kong to take a position as a marketing manager for Pepsi. her career skyrocketed there and in a few years she was offered a promotion that would set her up as the brand manager for the entire Pepsi brand in the entire China region. the one caveat was that it required her to move to Shanghai. whilst at Pepsi, my mama got together with my dad again via long distance and they would fly frequently to visit each other.
upon hearing this big news, my dad panicked. he didn’t want my mama to take off for such a distant place, as back in their days there was no direct flight into china and it would take an entire day of traveling for such arrangements to work out. he asked her future-wife what it would take for her to turn down the job offer, and my mama’s cool-in-the-moment-but-very-unromantic-thinking-back-about-it response was that… ill stay… if i get married?
my dad proposed, and the rest is history.
through all of this, my mama changed the course of her life entirely more than once, but in every leg of this life long journey she worked tirelessly behind her passion… no matter how momentous it turns out to be. her story was equally shocking and comforting to me… as i could not comprehend such a directionless way of living, but became reassured that it is okay to not have our entire life all planned out.
my mama surely did not expect her life to turn out like this. in her own words, she even vowed to never have kids! look how much she has come around. but all things aside, my mama is the most brave, hard working, motivated, disciplined, philanthropic, faithful, and loving woman that i know of.
she says and does what she means and always keeps a promise. she works to better herself and move the world every single days. and most importantly, my mama lives happily. in her words, even if her life ended here she would have no regrets, because she’s doing the best she can every single day. although i would sometimes envy other moms who are more patient or easy going, i would not trade mine for any other.
my mama is the best i can ever ask for.
funny how i promised myself to focus on the main point and i went on this long tangent about my mama. but in my head, it’s all relevant and important details. the next time i sat down with grandma, i couldn’t help but ask about the way each of her four kids lived life outside of college. and damn was i not impressed by each of my uncle’s and aunt’s life stories.
in short, some knew what they wanted to pursue while some fiddled around. uncle alfred travelled around the world straight out of college, spending six months in spain and backpacking around china before returning to a high paying consulting job. and now he’s taken over the 3rd generation family business.
aunty stephanie started out as a god damned card designer. i didn’t even think that was a profession until my grandma described it to us. but fair, someone had to draw the birthday cards they sell in fedex and trader joes. but all jokes aside, aunt stephanie ended up okay. she married a white texan but not cowboy buddhist accountant and followed my grandma’s footsteps to open a montessori branch in Brooklyn. they even bought that new chicken ranch in upstate new york recently.
my mom had her fair share of twists and turns while uncle david was voted as one of the 12 smartest people on wall street in 2013. that on its own says everything there needs to be said about him.
in their own unique but non-the-less fantastical ways, grandma’s four children each found success in this life. not one child is worth any more or less than another in the eyes of a mother. and if that is the case, why blindly chase after fame and unwarranted wealth?
my grandma said. especially now that you are young, chase after a mission. whether that is working in high fashion, saving the planet, or starting a business. pour my blood sweat n tears into something that i am passionate about, instead of working for meaningless endeavors to accumulate meaningless wealth.
when i chase after a mission, money will follow.
her talk about mission knocked me wide awake, a second time. i must admit, this year i’ve become slightly brainwashed by all the talk about big money in finance and consulting. i have thrown out resumes to companies i have zero interest in working with and dedicated all of my productive hours and energy into hoping to land a position at a high paying company. i talk about joining finance clubs, taking finance internships, and even joining a business frat against my values and personality with the hopes of building connections - to land a better paying job.
this pursuit for vain and wealth was never part of the future i envisioned myself to live. i hoped to dive into social entrepreneurship and make a lasting impact on the world. where did that passionate, idealistic, stubborn spirit of me go?
is it concealed by fears of embarrassment for being too cringe and too privileged? or is it buried under a desperation to reach financial independence in the near future so to find take on true independence and responsibility over my own life? whatever reason it is, my conversation with grandma made me come to terms with my actions’ frailty.
if i don’t chase after my dream of taking a startup public right now,
if i don’t explore the world and live life to its fullest right now,
if i don’t love myself, my partners, and my family unconditionally right now,
would i have any regrets, if my life ended right now?
yes.
so take action and
be the first person to take initiative.
be the hungriest person in the room.
be the most unwavering source of support and reassurance for myself.
be the best self, partner, son, brother, and friend possible.
in the following hours, days, weeks, and months, i have an opportunity to learn so much. from my friends, my parents, myself, and the new things to explore in this world.
so seize every moment to grow into a better self.
when i go back to cali, i know exactly what kind of life i want to live. that is, one where i have not a single clue what will happen tomorrow. and one where i also give not a single fuck about what has happened yesterday.
i will try and fail, explore and implore, commit and detach… i will appreciate living.
p.s. dance the dango with god and be the best star in my own movie.
best, Nick
00:47, Jan 10th, 2022